shaken

the last few months, have been struggling with, pushing through, sorting out …..
so many emotions
so many thoughts
all conflicting …..

yesterday came …..
without expectations ….
without preparations …..
all this while, it has just been conclusions, judgements, perceptions i made based on my feelings ….. experiences …..

but she actually said it out loud!
i was really shaken …. truly shaken, hurt …..
the world really stood still at at those moments when i heard those words.
they went right through the heart ….. pirerced right through the heart.
it hurt so much i wished my heart would stop feeling
stop processing …..

but i couldnt react …
couldnt do anything …
had to stay “neutral” …. coz i had to protect my younger sisters first ….
i couldnt appear weak in front of them.
im their big sister.

at the end of it, felt myself numbing myself to it …..
till the moment the numbness went away ….
and it all sank it.
and  just broke down ….
went to sleep crying …..
just cried and cried ….
till suddenly hear my dad’s voice waking me up …..
din realize i fell asleep ….

i dun hate her anymore.
but i just cant be around her, especially after yesterday …..
it is just too painful to be near her.
to feel her presence.
it just brings me to tears, tears of sadness.
its really one thing to perceive, to experience …..
but to actually have to hear it …..
its different …..
i dun care wat others may say,
it is different …..
it hurts all the same, even more!
 ……………………………………………………..

today went to work, din feel like getting out of bed, just felt like hiding, but staying home means being around her.
pushed through the day, the little ones gave me some moments to smile and laugh ….
but could feel it, feel it building up inside me ….
the sadness, the tears …..
maybe another “rainy” night ……
i dunno
just been “surviving” today …..

its hurting ….
my heart is in a lot of pain ……
i really wish i can just stop feeling ….
just not to feel at all.

i dunno how to get through this.
i dunno if i have the strenfth to pull through this.
wat i do know is watever pain i feel now,
im gonna give as much love, even more to my own children.

actually “scared” to go to sleep ….
coz know it is gonna start raining …….

i just want the pain to go away …..

conflicted

the word to describe how i have been feeling the last few days ….
As i m trying to accept the truth, find myself struggling internally,
with many conflicting thoughts and feelings.

sad, anger, guilt, self-pity ….. amidst many other emotions.
swing from acceptance to denial and back again …..
it was easier believing in “the best of things” rather than accepting it for what it is.

what does it mean to be a good daughter?
it was easier believing that it was all my own fault,
easier to believe that somehow in her own way, she really cared.
it was really easier …..

now that the truth is out ….. guess it was always there but never had the courage to face it,
not that i have to, am really struggling to find the courage and strength to get through it.

sometimes i feel that i should not have confronted and faced and tried to accept the truth.
sometimes feel that i am a bad daughter …. coz of the emotions that im feeling
sometimes feel that i am a bad person …. coz i find it so hard to forgive and move on
forgiving should not be so hard right?
wish someone can give me an answer.

i wanna forgive, i wanna let go, i wanna move on …..
but it is so much of a struggle, inside my heart …..
it is really tiring and can feel it taking a toll on me emotionally.
coz the truth be told, i still cant stand being around her.
cant stand hearing her voice.
its no longer coz of anger or hate.
but coz it just triggers so much emotions and feelings.

no matter how rational i try to be, my heart always takes over.
and everything will stand to be in a whirl again,
get confused and lost again.
unsure what i should and should not be feeling …..

just so many things in my heart and mind ….
even this post seems to be all over the place ….

i have not find my way through this phase in my life yet …..

overflow of emotions

am still trying to keep it together
normally during raya, i would feel a certain sadness, deep down.
but i never ackowledged it before.
this year, i know what is the source of that sadness.
know it clearly ….
no more hiding …..

but there is nothing i can do about it.
guess that sadness will always be there.
the void she has created will always be there.

a void she will never know that she has created.
i never realized that i had pent up so much thoughts and feelings.
that there are moments, i feel overwhelmed by what i am feeling.
my thoughts, my wishes, my hopes.
thoughts that i have kept deep inside, wishes and hopes that i know now for sure will and can never come true.

i wanna move forward,
i know wat to do for the future,
but for now, still trying to over the past and getting through the present.

It still keeps coming

…. Still trying …
Still trying to let go
Still trying to forget the pain n hurt

Saw a mother n daughter pair, so loving with one another
Know I can never have that, will never gave that.
But I do hope to have that with my own children.
I hope so, i really do ….

I wanna b strong
I wanna get thru this
For now still trying
Still feel all the pain that i had juz avoided n pretended was nt there ….

if she ever

many things whirling around in my head and heart.
many questions that i may never get the answer for.
many things that i secretly hoped for but know will never be.

find myself going round and round
maybe more of back and forth
each time something occurs, find myself back where i started.
each time i am ready to move on, will somehow get pulled back down.

i wanna get up
i wanna get through this
the mind wants it, but my heart is not ready, i guess …..
cant think of another way to explain it,
guess it is still “healing” from the realization of it all …..

and yesterday, is perhaps another point of realization.
still unsure what to make up of it …..
another question mark?
or is the answer right in front of my face and i am just denying it.

have just been crying it out ….
felt like it and couldnt hold it back anymore
coz i know it will never be ….
am still learning to let go of the wishes and hopes

am i taking too long to get over this?
i dunno
i am trying ….
there is a part of me that is so afraid of getting hurt again, of not expecting and to “get hit” ……
wish i can just get away from her

what step should i take next?

 

the heart

am learning just how much the heart can hold.

it can hold in a lot but when there is just too much, you can really feel like it is on the verge of exploding.

i want to accept.
i want to let go.
i want to move on.

but each attempt has been unsuccessful so far …..
i m still trying to find the strength and courage to face it and accept it.
honestly, am doubting my ability to get through it.

know with time i will eventually ….. but for right now, it is just all gloomy and low.
a heavy heart, in pain.
as i am still learning to accept ….
the truth of the matter.
no more masking the truth.
no more hiding.

anger and sadness

din know that its possible to feel extreme feelings at the same time.

am feeling both sad and angry …..

wanna cry and shout both at the same time!

but thats the key word, wanna but cant ……

angry coz shes oblivious
angry coz shes nt listening

sad coz she will always be

still finding my way through a deep sea of very strong emotions …..

the emotional swings

…. they are back ….

the emotional swings are back.

i m beginning to swing from anger to sadness again.

still trying to let go of all my quiet little wishes, the wishes that i have kept deep inside, denying their existence.
i can no longer deny their existence, they are there.
but thats all it will ever be, quiet wishes that can never be!
time to get that into my head and heart!
they can never be!

no more hoping!
…… easier said than done ……
i guess ……

she will never be there by my side to support and encourage ………..
she will never listen to what i have to say.
can never be held the way i wish to …..

and ….. beginning to believe that it is true,
it is easier to hang on to hate rather than let it go,
coz when you let go of hate,
there is a void that you feel that can never be filled ….
a void she has created and left in my heart.

still trying

still trying to get by day by day

but there are days that are really really just hard

keeping the tears in ……

if my heart could cry, i think it is crying for me right now.

letting go

i have to let it go ….

she wont care

she never will

i will never know what its like

i have to learn to accept that

but …..

am still struggling for now

coz im still wishing

for something that can never be