the word to describe how i have been feeling the last few days ….
As i m trying to accept the truth, find myself struggling internally,
with many conflicting thoughts and feelings.
sad, anger, guilt, self-pity ….. amidst many other emotions.
swing from acceptance to denial and back again …..
it was easier believing in “the best of things” rather than accepting it for what it is.
what does it mean to be a good daughter?
it was easier believing that it was all my own fault,
easier to believe that somehow in her own way, she really cared.
it was really easier …..
now that the truth is out ….. guess it was always there but never had the courage to face it,
not that i have to, am really struggling to find the courage and strength to get through it.
sometimes i feel that i should not have confronted and faced and tried to accept the truth.
sometimes feel that i am a bad daughter …. coz of the emotions that im feeling
sometimes feel that i am a bad person …. coz i find it so hard to forgive and move on
forgiving should not be so hard right?
wish someone can give me an answer.
i wanna forgive, i wanna let go, i wanna move on …..
but it is so much of a struggle, inside my heart …..
it is really tiring and can feel it taking a toll on me emotionally.
coz the truth be told, i still cant stand being around her.
cant stand hearing her voice.
its no longer coz of anger or hate.
but coz it just triggers so much emotions and feelings.
no matter how rational i try to be, my heart always takes over.
and everything will stand to be in a whirl again,
get confused and lost again.
unsure what i should and should not be feeling …..
just so many things in my heart and mind ….
even this post seems to be all over the place ….
i have not find my way through this phase in my life yet …..
